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Apr. 28th, 2009

geek, nerd, sexy

guess its over

No one can ever have their cake and eat it too
the saying really has some truth to it

what do you do when someone you love is simply drifting away
When you try and pull them closer they won't let you
and you fight because you aren't on the same page
but then they act like they still want you around and it makes your heart confused
it just makes it so hard to think logically when your blinded by love
how on earth are you supposed to see when you have stars in your eyes???

What happens when you only want happiness for someone you care deeply about but you own feelings get in the way even when you don't want or mean them too?
and despite the fact that you know whats best or what is morally right you contine
to go in a circular track only worsening things
with each lap you take in

when conflict arises people want to be known as an individual
not in relation to being with someone else
espically if that person is the last one to agree
sometimes people will just never understand each other
sometimes its just....despite the fact that someones heart may be in the right place
their aim missed direction

and after awhile when all the clues point in one direction your just like
fuck it
the attainable won't change its form and the unattainble is simply not an option
so I am allowed to play the game but winning is not possible

Im being an asshole
and so is he
I am the one who is wrong in this picture
and I guess I just need to get over it
or if I can't do that shutup about it and pretend it doesn't exsist
the view point from where I am standing
nothing good good will become of this
Even now he wants to know why I still love him and he asks
to get his point across and I just say
I don't know
even to me it just sounds retarded
I give up
maybe im just too young to be in a relationship
I need to find who I am before I seek out getting to know anyone one else


Apr. 26th, 2009

geek, nerd, sexy

good times

wow,....last night we went to this birthday party for this lady who used to be neibors with my momshe was turnoing 50.
she had the party at this mexican restrant called gringos we used to eat there alot back when we lived in stafford.My mom would take Dan ns Erin my best friends there and sometimes we would go with my ex Xander. I always liked going there because the service was decent and the food is reasonably priced.
I took Dan along too there mucst have been like 15 people sitting at the table. (which was actually two or three tables pushed togeather) 
I was kinda suprised when our waiter asked me if I wanted some rum with my diet coke
I was like sure.
I know (for sure) I don't look old enough guess he wanted to raise our tab or something.
He brought rum for dan too. (but thats kindof already expected) its been an inside joke between us for a while Dan has been going to the bars sice he was 17 I guess since he doesn't bother to shave and since hes well manered and mature and whatknot poeple tend to think he looks way older....all the people at his work think that he got his iron maiden T shirts from back in the day when they were still touring round in their prime. Me and mom think its hillarous...
Anyways the whole outting was alot funner than I thought it would be considering it was with some friends of my moms....I guess I never really liked our old neibors alot...It did feel kinda cool tralking to people I haven't seen in 4-5 years tho
I thought they were gonna act stuck up again but the party was actually pretty relaxed
everyone in that neirborhood was all american our kids make hornor roll look at us we own a nice house in the suburbs and our shit don't stink kinda folks. Back then I would have pretty much died
if they knew I didn't support gorge gorge bush.
Its weird how we go from having a 2 bedroom 2 bath house in a
sunny little neiborhood tucked away in first colony to living in this dump.
  it might be kinda funny to see the reactions on their face if they found out
were we lived now.....like the fact that while there still over there tending to their gardens and watching movies on lifetime off their flat screen. We are sitting here hearing people yell at each other and slam doors at all hours of the night hell there has already been 2 shootings since we moved in and we have only been here like three months now.
and to think that me and dan were just going to sit around and play world of warcraft that whole time.
so yeah I had a really good time at the party and afterward me and Dan went to out to smokea bowl or two.
I hope veronica didn't think anything weird happend I don't have to worry about my mom cuz she aleady knew what we were going to do when we left the house. I can get pretty retarded when I smoke tho a bowl or two.
me and dan loaded a regualr bowl and sprinkled some keif on top. I came in and said hey lets make some eggrolls and veronica was like you got the munchies girl? you look stoned. O-well she was pretty nice about either way.

Apr. 23rd, 2009

geek, nerd, sexy

a place to call home


Right now I live in one bedroom apartment and I share the living room with my mom
its okay I guess,..... I mean we have a roomate who knows my mom pretty well and she has really good cable thats 200 chanels and I can acess the internet anytime (unlike the last place we were living at)
I keep telling myself its not a bad deal really
I try to see the positive before I just go off on rants the way I do.
But Honestly something needs to change here
I'm really tired of feeling stuck in the last three years 
I have moved 8 times  
so far I've lived with a coke haed a stripper blonde
a miticulate angry black woman my boyfriend
three guys my grandparents and now our former neihbor
this poor hispanic woman
who happens to be my moms best friend

None of the situations have been really great and I encountered
all these diffrent problems.....maybe I have just been living with the wrong
folks really who knows but I'm just getting to the point where I want my own space
I'm tired of someone being mad a me for leaving one dish on the kitchen counter
or moving their laundry out of the dryer acting like I like an apacolisps is comming
just imposing on others sometimes problems occur when I haven't even done anything
like someones food goes missing and who ever I'm living with at the time just assumes it was me.
and sometimes yes certian shit was proably my fault at times yeah I'm not just gonna sit here
and push the blame on everyone else... I don't eat anyone elses food but I can be kindof messy at times
one time I had a friend over who lit up a cigarette in the appartment I was living at at the time
it was like for two seconds before I yelled at him to put it out
and a cetain someone complains and tells me I am getting evicted
but its like I never ment to piss anyone off

still most people have just been incredibly rude about it.
Like sending me rude messages over myspace
or thinking that they have the right to go into my room without my permission.
People sit there and complain about how its too hot or cold in the house and
then turnt he ac wayyy up or down for that matter
 I can never win can I? no one knows how to compromise
even when I had my own room the walls where I lived
where paper thin and you could hear all kinds of diffrent noise
like people arguing yelling at each other or or they be havin sex in the next room  folks gossiping about you
or blaring their music and all kinds of shit you'd rather not deal with.

I just want my own space I want my own room with my own bed where
I can have a converstaion on the phone that isn't heard by eveone in the room.
It would be nice to have visitors without someone glaring or getting mad.
 How am I supposed to have any friends when I can't even invite them over to my house?
and I'm just tired of moving around. Its great that we can save money
but its just so hard to be organised in such a small space really.
Our of our stuff is in my moms car piles aponm piles in the trunk I put my sister
sasha's adress in the glove compartment but my mom moved it,....again
Really I will deal with this for now chances are we are going to move twice
before we settle in again mom is telling me that we could get a one bedroom appartment
and she could take the living room but we have already tried this before I know it won't be long
before she'll want to move into a two bedroom.

It is so much to ask really I just want a decent place to call home







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